I think this post is inspired by CHILDISH GAMBINO’s real instagram posts and my life in the last coupla days.
I’m scared I let myself down. That I live forgiven but I haven’t forgiven myself. I’m scared to live for just today because I love the falsehood of tomorrow being promised. I’m scared of being happy – because part of me doesn’t think I deserve it. I’m scared I understand myself, too much, too well.
I’m scared I don’t have time for me anymore. It’s work, then more work, then shoots, then meetings and then when I can, sleep. Sleep let’s talk about that. I’m scared to sleep because my fears put on a perfect show when I am, they call it nightmares. I’m scared of sleep because even when I do enjoy it, I wake up to the same spots of shit in my life. It doesn’t fix anything.
I’m scared of my greatness. I’m scared I’m ahead of my time. I’m 24 and pretty much have achieved quite a lot for my age. So I’m scared that I’ve greatness ahead of me, what if I let it down?
I’m scared of my career. It’s so dynamic. Nothing has gone according to my plan. So who’s plan am I growing to? Where will I be in 7,8,10 years? Will I still be relevant? Will I have achieved what I want to?
I’m scared that I think I have what it takes to tackle rape. I’m scared that I don’t. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know who will help. I’m scared that I won’t fully heal. I’m scared that it’s impossible to.
I’m scared of taking a break. I’ll lose time and mileage. I need a break, I know. But I’m scared to take it because when you’re alone, all you have is your thoughts and mine are drenched in fear.
I’m scared I’ll never be a great wife. I don’t have an example to mirror. I’m scared that I will end up not being enough. I’m scared of motherhood. I’m going in without my mentor – my mum.
I’m scared I share too much. I’m scared there’s a reason why other public figures don’t and I don’t know it. I’m scared it makes me vulnerable. I’m scared because it is me, should there be a separation? I’m scared I don’t know.